I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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