My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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