what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Can Purell be used as lube?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
