i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
