No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
