I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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