drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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