So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
