watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
