Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
be right there i have to get my cape
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
