I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
