Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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