Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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