I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
