Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
