my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
