When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
