So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
