i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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