Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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