Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
