you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
