Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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