I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
