i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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