I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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