Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
