shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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