I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
