theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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