Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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