the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
