that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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