im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
