Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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