You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
