I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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