You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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