I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
