My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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