Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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