so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
