i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
