Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
