so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
