Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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