I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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