i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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