While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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