Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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