Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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