It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
