I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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