first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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