I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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