I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
